If you have chronic illness, disability or chronic pain, chances are you are more isolated than most people. It is harder to get out and be with others when your mobility or ability to function is impaired. It becomes more of a big deal to make the effort to socialize or just be with friends or family.
Importance to Connect
We know from research it is important to connect with others. Humans are social beings and need to feel connected. Dr. Paul Gilbert, research and clinical psychologist, says that our soothing and affiliative emotion control system is engaged when we connect with others. This allows us to relax and be more calm. Oxytocin is released in the body which makes us feel more bonded and this feels good. Being in the soothing affiliative system is also more conducive to healing.
Some of us are extroverts and get energized by community and other people. Some of us are introverts and need more time alone. It is helpful to know which way you lean. If you’re an extrovert, it may be more important to ensure you have connection and community. But even if you’re an introvert, you still need some time to connect to others.
Connect with Quality over Quantity
How do you connect with others if you have a chronic condition that leaves you more isolated? The answer is that you make the time you have with others deeper and more meaningful. You increase quality connection time over volume of time.
In Tibetan Buddhism we often talk about outer, inner and secret (or hidden) levels. These levels can apply to many aspects of life and also to social connection. What we’re talking about here is connecting at the deepest level, the hidden level first. We do that with the power of intention; intention with heart. That is, we move into a situation with others, with an intention to be connected at this deepest level.
Deepest Connection with Others
We start with an openness to be there and be connected. That intention and openness of mind lays the ground for the fruition of a rewarding encounter.
Inner Connection with Others
At the inner level, we focus on who we are connecting with. With the openness to be with them, to be present to them, comes a sense of caring and connection.
The best tool for connecting with others at the inner level is to listen. Everyone wants to be heard and by listening deeply we transmit a sense of caring, compassion and love.
Usually when we talk with someone, we start thinking about our response before they are even finished talking. We want to jump in with our own points of view and be heard. In order to connect on this deeper level, we need it to be mindful and present. We need to be aware of our own agenda and neurotic desires to be heard. We allow these desires to just be there without succumbing to them. Then with compassion for ourselves and the other person, we return to being present to what the other is saying.
It will surprise you what you can gain from such an encounter. It can be rewarding and you can feel like your connecting at a more profound level than we normally do. From the other person’s perspective, it will feel like a loving act.
“The most effective way to show compassion to another is to listen, rather than talk. You have an opportunity to practice deep, compassionate listening. If you can listen to the other person with compassion, your listening is like a salve for her wound. In the practice of compassionate listening, you listen with only one purpose, which is to give the other person the chance to speak out and to suffer less.”
— Thich Nhat Hanh
Outer Connection with Others
It works better to connect and help others starting at the deeper level and then allowing any outer efforts to emerge out of that. That way anything you do for others will be genuine and helpful. It is sometimes tempting to step in and get something we think someone needs or do something we think will be helpful. But if the effort doesn’t come from an authentic place, it will fall flat or even cause harm. We don’t want to help others just because we want to be seen as a “kind” person.
However, there are things we can do with our body that may help us and the other person we are communicating with. Sometimes doing things outwardly can help facilitate an inward movement. For example, when listening to someone we can lean forward to show we are engaged. We can display an open posture; no crossed arms or legs. An interested facial expression and making eye contact can help us connect with others.
Connecting is Meditation
Making an effort to have deeper relationships with others can be a meditation practice in itself. It can be a nourishing activity that helps us and others feel connected and supported.
If you can’t find time to physically be with others, there is a way to deeply connect with other beings. Use you own adversity, whatever that may be, as a doorway to connect. Think about others who suffer as you do, or maybe worse. Then send them a wish that they be free of suffering. You can also visualize sending them light. It can be for other humans, animals or lost spirits. You can do this for beings you know or for beings you don’t.
In this way you get the same benefits as being with others in a meaningful way. You can do this practice any time, any where. More about healing meditation can be found here.
Connecting with others in a meaningful way is a part of self care. More about self care can be found here.
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