Self Compassion
What does it mean to have self compassion? From a Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) approach it means being there for yourself uncritically. It means being present to whatever you are feeling or experiencing in the present moment with a kind heart.
With CFT, you allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, whatever difficulty comes up. Be there for yourself without judgement and with a sense of openness and kindness. It’s as if you are being there for a loved one or dear friend, except it is for yourself.
Self compassion is not self indulgence or being soft on oneself. In fact, it takes a lot of courage and strength. Self compassion is not about indulging in your fears, anxieties, anger or pain. Nor is it about suppressing feelings or experiences, pretending they aren’t happening. Neither approach is very helpful.
The Middle Way Approach
A more useful approach to dealing with adversity comes from the Eastern traditions. This approach is called the middle way. It involves witnessing or being aware of the difficulties as they arise but not getting swept away by them or ignoring or suppressing them. The middle way approach is to witness non-judgementally.
While the middle way can be a wiser and more skillful way to deal with our difficulties, it also takes a lot of skill and practice. It can be challenging to learn this skill and it may take many hours of meditation, guidance, practice and coaching.
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) Approach
Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) is what I like to think of as a short cut to being present to your suffering. Imagine a friend going through a difficult time. You are there to provide comfort, maybe be a sounding board, give advice if needed or to just be there to listen. Imagine how helpful that can be for someone. Imagine yourself being comforted by a dear friend or family member when you were going through a difficult time.
If you have someone to share the burden with, someone who will listen without judgement, it can make the difficulty much easier.
Now imagine you are being that comforting friend to yourself. Being that dear friend to yourself is what CFT is all about. You may still have those difficulties but they have become easier to carry because you have a comforting and caring friend always with you. That friend is yourself.
You start by imagining a compassionate self. Imagine a time you were very compassionate to another being. Think about what you were like, how you acted and what you might have said. If you can’t think of a time you were compassionate, think about what you would be like if you were a compassionate person.
Then you become that compassionate person for yourself. Whenever you are experiencing difficulty or feeling bad about your situation, you can stop and be that friend to yourself. You can give yourself some kindness and ease up.
Compassion Focused Therapy Meditation
Meditation borrowed from tantric Buddhism can become the ground or foundation for working with yourself. Meditation of this type involves visualizing yourself as a compassionate person. It can also involve visualizing a revered teacher or friend sending you healing light, then merging with that mentor to become a compassionate mentor to yourself. Then you can send yourself love and compassion in the form of light.
Compassion Focused Therapy Throughout Your Day
As you go about your day, when difficulties arise in your mind, you step into being a compassionate being for yourself. Difficulties can be physical pain or discomfort from illness. Difficulties can also be our typical emotional response to these physical difficulties such as anger, fear, shame or sadness.
The trick, from my experience, is to notice when you are experiencing difficulties. Our responses to adversity can be so automatic we don’t notice when it is happening. This is why mindfulness meditation is very helpful. With meditation we watch and notice what goes on in our mind. This purposeful noticing in meditation helps us to notice in our day to day lives as well.
When we notice our typical response to distress, we can turn toward our compassionate side. We can start making that compassionate part of ourselves our habitual response rather than fear or anger.
Learn More
If this approach resonates with you, you can learn more about CFT from these books:
· Mindful Compassion by Paul Gilbert and Choden
· The Compassionate Mind by Paul Gilbert
· Overcoming Anxiety by Dennis Tirch
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